In the earlier part of 2016 I applied to be an egg donor. I did it because I found an advertisement in Craigslist for $10,000. When I took a moment to consider purpose before profit I realized that it would be a beautiful gift to my body to allow it to be a vessel of hope and aid for families trying to conceive. From the time I was 12 years old I began saying that I would not have children, I could not find any desire to be legally and biologically bound to someone for the rest of mine and their natural born lives. Truthfully, I was afraid. I knew then that finding a man to raise my children would never be an easy task. I had seen how it went for my grandmother and my own father and I very calmly yet assuredly placed having children in my “absolutely not” box.
As time moved on, I did not change my thoughts on the matter but instead decided that if I fell in love with a man who absolutely had to have children, I would gladly bare them for us. But I was in denial about my own desire to create and raise a life. I was not entirely certain about actually birthing the child but was definitely opened to adopting a child together.
As of late, I know my thoughts on the subject have completely changed. I still agree that I will not have a child alone but I am no longer in denial of my desire to have a family- hubby, kiddos, and furry companions, hold the white picket fence. I have denied it for a long time by continuing to repeat the same lines and it is because I have been afraid of my transformation. I am afraid to fail. Afraid to love so deeply and truly. Afraid to feel rejected. However, I know now that I would make an amazing mother. Yes, there will be trials and tribulations, all will not always be well but it all will be as great as I make it. Raising my child with patience, love and freedom will create an environment that will make us all happy and carry us through the natural tests of life. Raising a child requires a level of maturity and clarity that I wish to achieve for myself and pass on to a creation made in love.
There is no more denying it, I was born to achieve many great successes, among them is creating a family. Although I am a few years away from fulfilling my purpose, having discovered it has rejuvenated my spirit in a way I did not know existed. Every day I allow myself to envision my future, I open my imagination up to the many possibilities of where my life may take me but I center it around a goal that gives me purpose. I work towards thinking and acting in a way I would want my children and partner to admire me for. Once I decided to plan towards purpose and not profit the air I breathe felt lighter and more loving. There is happiness in purpose because it is a mindset not a destination.